"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting." David Letterman
"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host." David Letterman
"I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red." David Letterman
"I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious." David Letterman
"Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself: Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!" David Letterman
"Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box: Konsult Kardiologist." David Letterman
"Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives." David Letterman
"Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?" David Letterman
"Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!" David Letterman
"Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants." David Letterman
"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees." David Letterman
"New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you." David Letterman
"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines." David Letterman
"People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine." David Letterman
"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." David Letterman
"President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?" David Letterman
"The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves." David Letterman
"The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong." David Letterman
"The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission." David Letterman
"Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water." David Letterman
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population." David Letterman
