"My impressions are weird and useless."
Conan O'Brien

"Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer."
Conan O'Brien

"Now as I mentioned in the monologue, or as I like to call it- quiet time..."
Conan O'Brien

"People of Quebec: I am an albino jackass."
Conan O'Brien

"Some audience members waiting in line to get into the building were smoking joints. Yeah, they said, "We want Conan to be funny whether he's funny or not."
Conan O'Brien

"Someone start my car. Keep the engine running. This audience is getting mad."
Conan O'Brien

"If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice."
Conan O'Brien

"All this horseback riding has made me hungry, but not for food."
Conan O'Brien

"John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career."
Conan O'Brien

"A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it's the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years."
Conan O'Brien

"Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years."
Conan O'Brien

"Ben and J-Lo have announced that they want a small wedding. Yeah. So they decided to invite all the people who saw GIGLI."
Conan O'Brien

"Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion."
Conan O'Brien

"Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen."
Conan O'Brien

"Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice."
Conan O'Brien

"In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have."
Conan O'Brien

"Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob."
Conan O'Brien

"President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards."
Conan O'Brien

"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language."
Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me."
Conan O'Brien

"Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has unveiled a new color-coded system to warn the public about different states of danger. Red is the highest state of alert, and it means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick.'
Conan O'Brien

"Scientist announced a device that can be placed in a pacemaker and will call your doctor whenever you are having heart trouble. When told about it, Dick Cheney said, "I can't afford those kind of phone bills."
Conan O'Brien

"Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will."
Conan O'Brien

"In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union."
Conan O'Brien

"In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath."
Conan O'Brien