"Originally we were going to title it "The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off," but it was too long."
Jon Stewart

"I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor."
Jon Stewart

"I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else."
Jon Stewart

"The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle."
Jon Stewart

"I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character."
Jon Stewart

"I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food."
Jon Stewart

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
Jon Stewart

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."
Jon Stewart

"Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going: Who'd you call a faggot?"
Jon Stewart

"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain."
Jon Stewart

"If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that."
Jon Stewart

"Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting."
Jon Stewart

"In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole."
Jon Stewart

"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea."
Jon Stewart

"The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons."
Jon Stewart

"The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1"
Jon Stewart

"I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'"
Jon Stewart

"I'm a bit down. Liza Minelli and David Gest, I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who likes other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is this - there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minelli."
Jon Stewart

"I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay."
Jon Stewart

"Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. But I guess I'd want to marry Tom Cruise, because he's much more responsible. I think Leo would play around on me. And I could never trust him on a cruise ship, obviously."
Jon Stewart

"Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay."
Jon Stewart

"Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway."
Jon Stewart

"Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?"
Jon Stewart

"More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had."
Jon Stewart

"The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot."
Jon Stewart