"What if there were no hypothetical questions?" George Carlin
"Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of assteroids?" George Carlin
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?" George Carlin
"Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?" George Carlin
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." George Carlin
"Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning." George Carlin
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." George Carlin
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past." George Carlin
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." George Carlin
"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?" George Carlin
"When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?" George Carlin
"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything." George Carlin
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom." George Carlin
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time." George Carlin
"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established." George Carlin
"Electricity is really just organized lightning." George Carlin
"Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!" George Carlin
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." George Carlin
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it." George Carlin
"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood." George Carlin
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." George Carlin
"This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen." George Carlin
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." George Carlin
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." George Carlin
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?" George Carlin
"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away." George Carlin
"Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time: Well, okay, that's enough of that." George Carlin
"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work." George Carlin
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." George Carlin
"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong." George Carlin
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day." George Carlin
